a woman after God's heart

The last time I changed job, I was still a junior executive. It wasn’t hard to adapt as I was still learning and received more grace from others as I was a newbie. The next time I change job, I would be a senior and seasoned executive... and I wonder how would be adaptation be. I look at my friends who swift jobs after 5-6 years in the previous organization, it must have cost them a lot of courage and humbling experience. I still feel that I am inadequiete and have nothing extraordinary to offer. Hmm. But I really need to get out from my comfort zone and live a “normal” life. Money isn’t everything and the chase will never end. Everyday now, I tell myself that this lifestyle will come to an end soon.. and I am looking forward.

I had a knee injury yesterday evening during a netball game. I was landing from a jump and felt my knee twisted for a spilt second. I could get up after a while. One of my experienced friend told me that it will be worse tomorrow. Well, she’s right! I woke up from the pain at 6.30am and I knew I will need longer time to prepare for my class, so it was good. I did everything so much slower than usual, and of course will the time allowance that I had, I was stress free although I was very very slow. On normal days, I would rush and walk super fast. I could catch the train that is a minute away. Today I could only catch a train that was 5 minutes away. Mannn... but beyond this slowness, I though to myself.. “maybe this injury is to slow me down, and allow me to calm down and enjoy the moment.” Most times, the bad things that we perceived can be a good thing or blessing from our loving Father. We just need to be aware of it.

Eight years ago, I was a pretty young student nurse attending class on a usual weekday... I think it was a Monday. I was looking forward for that day as I will have a dinner date with a friend whom I got so accustomed to meet every other day. Not seeing him during the weekend was an excruciating anxiety so I was so happy to go back to college on weekdays as I meet him on weekdays. I was on cloud nine eight years ago. And I had exams the following week. That night we had chicken rice.. and he decided to bring me to coffee bean for a drink. I think it was green tea latte. I didn't tell him that I don't drink latte but decided to try new stuff... I remember the ambience, I remember how did the big cup of latte looked like, I remember the place we sat.. but I forgot what we talked about. We took our first wefie together. I am not sure why the parking ticket was with me but it was the culprit. He held my hand when I passed him the ticket... and the rest is history. I only knew h...

I was back in the church I grew up in last Sunday. Everything looked the same; the building, my pastor and his wife, my children church teacher, my cell group leader. But a decade has passed ever since I stopped serving. The friends I grew up with are no longer in the church - some strayed away, some in overseas and some in another church. I was seated at the back, looking at the youths who were serving that day. I was once like them, active in church and always had a part to play in events like this. The younger me would pray for His will to be done and put Him first. The younger me had nothing to lose and God was all I had. As I was observing the service, a gentleman came late. He used to be a drug addict. His appearance on that day looked like he has fallen back into his old ways. I was so near to making my judgment when I was reminded again to only throw the stone if I have no sin. I was reminded of my own struggle with my flesh and sins, and has repeatedly failed God and returne...

There is a reason to how we behave now. Recently, maybe since beginning of this year, I get a bit annoyed when people start to ask if I am getting married. I even drafted a post for my birthday, subtly hinting everyone not to ask me that anymore. "When the time comes, it will be made known." In the midst of my house chores, I remember this particular behavior of mine. And an incident came to my mind. Few years back, maybe 4 years ago, Mr. A brought me to a hotel to dine. It was a 4 or 5 star hotel. It was a rare thing to do back then, and inside my female head which overthinking is common, I thought he was going to propose. Half way through the buffet dinner where the ambience was nice, we were happily chatting, Mr. A asked me if I thought he was going to propose because he brought me to such a "atas" place. With such question, I knew it was not going to happen on that day. I forgot how I responded to the question but I remember him asking me if I was disappoint...

So recently, I got quite a bit nostalgic. I started reading old emails and blog entries. I reminisced what I felt and thought when I was younger. The truth is, life moved on and I am where I am now. The ones who used to matter so much to me has become strangers now. It made me think, who's next? Who is next in the stranger list? Life has moved on. Everyone has moved on. One thing for sure is that writing does help me feel better. It still had the same effect as 10 years ago. That, did not change. This evening, I got the news that my project has been approved! When my boss told me the news, I, without filtering my thoughts, replied her almost immediately, "I don't know if I should be happy or not". After realizing what I have typed, I quickly added, "coz two weeks equals to one year bond...haha". The real thoughts at that point were, "will Mr A be disappointed with this news?" I was hesitant to tell him this news yet I knew I had to.. It woul...