a woman after God's heart

I reached Red Dot, my eyes also became red. Sigh. Cannot wait... really cannot wait to go back to be near to family and loved ones.  Counting down to that day I can go home again. 

Today my question is... How long will I be a nurse? Hmmm...

Today I experience the verse in Malachi that goes, "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it. (Malachi 3:10 NIV)" God never short change us... in this matter, ME. I know I don't deserve it. I am a sinner. I am of no good. But God gave His favour to me.  I am still in dreamland. I couldn't believe one of the highlights in this year which I was anticipating for has come and go. I was right when I knew deep in my heart I have the peace and know that all things will turn out alright. Through this, I experienced His favor. Thank you Jesus.

Praise Him in the morning! Praise Him in the noon time! Praise Him! Praise Him! Praise Him when the sun goes down! Thank you Father got a good interview experience! One of the long awaiting day has come and go. Praise Him! 

There are days my prayer would be, "Just bring me home." But Time is in His hands. Not that far from Bethlehem" Underneath the stars Just a simple man and wife somewhere in the dark his words cut the silent night Take my hand For the child That you carry is God's own And though it seems the road is long We're not that far from Bethlehem Where all our hope and joy began For in our arms we'll cherish him We're not that far from Bethlehem Let us Celebrate As the Christmases go by Learn to live our days with our hearts near to the child Ever drawn, ever close   To the only love that lasts And though two thousand years have past We're not that far from Bethlehem Where all our hope and joy began For when our hearts still cherish him We're not that far.... We're not that far from Bethlehem Where all our hope and joy began For when our hearts still cherish him We're not that far We're not that far from Bethlehem I know I am not that far. And H...

Recently been thinking about the destiny He has called me to.. But I am not even near to what I thought I would be doing. I dream of changing the world, making a difference and bla bla.. reaching the moon and bring down the stars... And I remember the first book Mr. A lent me after hearing all my aspirations: The butterfly flaps its wing in Brazil will cause a tornado in Florida, the butterfly effect. This book had a huge impact on me. I realized that the BIG people didn't start by dreaming BIG. They gave their best within their community, where they were placed faithfully. Thus, I must start from where I am now. Am I? Did I? It was 4 years ago I read the book. Ces't la vie. Such is life.

My favourite month is here! Well not because of presents or gifts, just feel happy and grateful to be alive. This morning, since it is the first day of the month, I was reminded of this verse "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV). Thank God for another year to experience His love :)

My affection towards shoes and watches are far greater than I have for clothes. Whoops! But I am contented with what I have right now.  Iamjustsaying.

Why does train rides seem to be longer these two days? Why am I upset with things that are unimportant?  Sigh. I want to go home.. I want to look forward to going home everyday.  I don't right now.

Doubt. She visits me every now and then. With her best friend called Memories. And Unforgiveness tag along. One question Doubt always asks me. "How sure are you?" And it silenced me. Then I hear an echo in my head. "How SURE are you?" Because of Doubt, I lost Trust.  Without Trust, Security left me. Without Security, I do not have Peace. I become Defensive And I do not own Love. And when that happens, Doubt visits the other person.

Each time I finish his book, I sigh and say a short prayer in my heart.  One more day. The memories of the ones you have lost keep them alive.  And secrets.. they tear you apart. And the purest love you can see is your mother. God, I pray I won't end up like Charlie who only lived after he faced death. 

To the worried doctor, let him listen to your heart.  To the worried doctor, let him read your ECG. To the worried doctor, let him be your friend. To the worried doctor, I am blessed to have you as my friend. Thank you doctor for worrying. I am touched.

I think my life is pretty dry. And I need some romance. Long time since I felt the thrill and being pursued.. sigh. Relationship gets mundane especially long term ones, unless both keep putting effort in building the love.  I remember I used to receive a bottle of drink every Friday from a crush back in high school. And then the feeling of someone peeping at you, or noticing you everytime you pass by.. Hahaha! Long time since it happened to me now. Unfortunately I didn't like that guy and so, he moved on to the next target. Perhaps I am just another girl, deeply influenced by fairy tales and Disney princesses, and the idea of Prince Charming or Aladdin for that matter. Oh well, I guess every girl just want to be pursued and feel like a princess inside.

Whenever I miss home, I look at the moon.. and know that home is not far because we are looking at the same moon.  Whenever I have doubts about my future, I look to the sky.. and know that my Father in heaven is looking down on me.  Oh, so many feelings tonight. Oh, so many thoughts. Help me to overcome this phase.

Today, I must commend a male chauvinist. Personally, I really dislike dealing with a male chauvinist because he tends to be "I am better than thou". I can smell the aura usually after few conversations.  Last night, I was working with a typical male chauvinist. I can tell from his look. Anyways, work was overwhelming for all of us and he was a little above his usual stress threshold. I had to interrupt him amidst of the wars that we were fight and I had  good intention. I offered him help but he threw his temper on me. My facial expression instantly changed and I gave him a cold treatment thereafter. I mean, I wasn't pushing him.. I was just a messenger.  Anyway, I wasn't emo emo type and trying my best to maintain professionalism despite how mad I was towards him wherever he approached me after that. And I was shocked when he actually made effort to mend things better by acknowledging his wrongdoing, offer me sweets, even more shocked when he apologized! I couldn...

My post tonight is dedicated to a good man I once knew.  Dearest Dato', You are the only doctor whom I will ever allow to kiss me on my cheeks and myself to sit on your lap.  I know you never have evil intention and love us like your grandchildren.  I remember the first time you complimented me because I explained to the patient in Malay why he needs an OGDS before he could disturb you writing your notes at our nursing counter and you gave me a pat on my shoulder and said, "wah, you explained so well!" Ever since then, you often disturb me and sometimes kissed me on my cheek and made me blush! I remembered I teased you too when the pants you wore seemed loose, and ever since then, I never see you wearing it anymore. Every morning I looked forward in greeting you and getting a warm hug from you especially when days were bad. There are times you patiently explained to me things that I do not understand.. Sometimes I got a little frustrated with your cool and calm approach b...

When I have a place on my own in future, I wanna have a big big bed ALL by myself. Wah, so fun to roll here and there, sleep in all sorts of directions and position, and a space on my own. Moreover, I am not very big size. Then, I'll coin my bedroom as the most cozy place ever........ Soft coloured walls, not so bright coloured bed sheet, dark coloured curtains.. Oh, with a table and comfortable chair for reading and writing. Heh heh. Oh well, one of the random thoughts I have tonight. When I have more money, I probably will invest in a bigger bed and a space by myself.  Reading a book on Patience now... After a few pages, I told to myself, "I am not patient at all!" Oh God, help me to have long suffering. I'll write again soon. Adios.

Tonight is one of those night that I feel full... spiritually. I met up with my cousin whose priority is God and catching up with him helped me to realign my priorities. He always tells me, "what is important at the end of the day when you meet God?" Success to him is not money definitely. He has been to few places to see the other side of the world where people may have lesser but much happier inside. Why are we complaining so much? Time to get uncomfortable and move.. And of course, after the meeting with my cousin, my pillar of support in Malaysia chatted with me via iMessage and shared certain things which made me think deeply. She has been my biggest support when I am away from home.  Well, time will keep moving and events will come to past. I am excited to know what is ahead and pray that God will grant me the desire of my heart and not let it be like a flower that withers away. Terima kasih Bapa kerana menyayangiku.

One of the observations I made today: when a person is upset/unhappy/sad or other synonyms, he/she will choose to torture himself/herself. One very extreme example would be (which I have seen a couple of times) attempting to take his own life when a downfall happens. Husband and wife argues, either one chooses to commit suicide. Yes, the observation is made from my own life. I was upset (yes, I am upset although I said I was okay.. Typical girl behavior) with a remark made by my partner. Well, of course he meant well but it was too bitter for me to digest immediately. I appreciated his frankness but my self-esteem was lowered because of his remark. So end up, I chose to ordered an alcoholic beverage knowing the fact that I will get tachycardia and rashes over my body.. but I still choose it anyway.. BECAUSE I was unhappy. When I reached home, I was scratching here and there thanks to the mosquitoes and also the alcohol. Then I thought to myself, "what have I gotten myself into?...

Amazing how God brings people into your life for a reason. Today, God helped me to see the possibility of venturing into Parkinsonism. I was nursing a patient with Parkinson's disease and I enjoyed listening to the families' struggle and giving some health education to the patient's wife. It brought back meaning to my calling. Then I recalled an opening offered by a doctor friend to get into this area. I never thought I will be interested in PD and wanted to focused on emergency nursing so that I can get involved in missions. After venturing into emergency department, I realized emergency will not be my cup of tea for long. It is a good exposure but not my long term career pathway. Yeah, so I am excited for what God has installed for me and I will remain an open mind to what He has called me to do. If it is truly His will, I believe after my degree, there will still be opening for PD nursing.