a woman after God's heart

One of the observations I made today: when a person is upset/unhappy/sad or other synonyms, he/she will choose to torture himself/herself. One very extreme example would be (which I have seen a couple of times) attempting to take his own life when a downfall happens. Husband and wife argues, either one chooses to commit suicide. Yes, the observation is made from my own life. I was upset (yes, I am upset although I said I was okay.. Typical girl behavior) with a remark made by my partner. Well, of course he meant well but it was too bitter for me to digest immediately. I appreciated his frankness but my self-esteem was lowered because of his remark. So end up, I chose to ordered an alcoholic beverage knowing the fact that I will get tachycardia and rashes over my body.. but I still choose it anyway.. BECAUSE I was unhappy. When I reached home, I was scratching here and there thanks to the mosquitoes and also the alcohol. Then I thought to myself, "what have I gotten myself into?...

Amazing how God brings people into your life for a reason. Today, God helped me to see the possibility of venturing into Parkinsonism. I was nursing a patient with Parkinson's disease and I enjoyed listening to the families' struggle and giving some health education to the patient's wife. It brought back meaning to my calling. Then I recalled an opening offered by a doctor friend to get into this area. I never thought I will be interested in PD and wanted to focused on emergency nursing so that I can get involved in missions. After venturing into emergency department, I realized emergency will not be my cup of tea for long. It is a good exposure but not my long term career pathway. Yeah, so I am excited for what God has installed for me and I will remain an open mind to what He has called me to do. If it is truly His will, I believe after my degree, there will still be opening for PD nursing.

Jesus said to the crowd, whoever that have no sin, he shall throw the stone at the prostitute. And when the crowd heard him saying that, they left one by one... and no one else were there except Jesus and the lady. And Jesus told the lady, "Go and sin no more". This is my own interpretation on one of the parable in the Bible.  As I am not perfect, I shall not throw the first stone. I admit I am a sinner and I fail God many times but I continue to run the race well to attain the crown of life. I hope others can see in that light. 

hati merindui kampung halaman. mengapa hidup harus begini? berseorangan dan berjauhan dengan orang yang tersayang. kesabaranku dalam ujian. hidup penuh dugaan. aku ingin putus asa tetapi Tuhan disisiku memberi kekuatan dan sokongan kepadaku. aku tahu, selepas dugaan ini, aku akan menjadi lebih mantap. Ya Tuhanku, bantuku menjadi hambamu yang memantulkan kehebatan dan kasihmu. Amen.

#1: sparks of fire should be put off before it is too late. Once it becomes a big fire, it's hard to control.  #2: photography is not about snapping picture only. The real work is editing. Do not be fooled by "capture the moment" or "natural expression". You do not like photography if you did not put enough effort and time in editing the photos. That's all for today.  Assignment life starts again. Bummer.

Attacked by chronic homesick syndrome again! >.< two more years to go....

I... miss waking up early for school. I miss my childhood.

I am feeling extremely homesick today. I think of my mom; the things I accompanied her to do, the food she cook for me, the care free days at home, those nights we chit chat in my room. Then I think of Mr. C; walking in the park with him, his face, the conversation we had. I suddenly recalled all the things I forgot to do back at home last week :( Here, I feel mistreated at times. I feel like an unpaid maid many a times. Why should I carry the responsibilities of keeping the house clean? Why should I worry if I do not go home, the clothes will not be kept? Why do I clean the toilet, the fans when others have a share in using them? I do not cook anymore because I do not want to feel like a maid. Sigh, my heart after all is selfish. To obey God's commandment takes more than just my own strength. There was an option for me to shift out or continue to stay. After contemplating the pros and cons, I somehow chose to stay on. But time to time, my heart gets tired and I start to have selfi...

While I was walking, I had a sudden urge to retrieve my old emails from a friend and read them. And so, I was so engrossed in reading them until I almost missed my station. Haha! The emails I read are deeply meaningful and encouraging. I realized I was once blessed with such a special friend who has a very special place in my heart. I also realized when I was younger, life was simpler and trusting God is easy. One of the questions I asked myself while reading those emails is "Have I changed?" Did the world values find their home in my heart? While staying out from home means learning to be independent, it also means to extend grace to others (housemates), to understand the true meaning of loving others. Often, I ask God this question- Where is the line to differentiate loving others and being taken granted of? However, I am blessed to have my roommate especially these few days when I am not feeling well. She cooked porridge and barley water for me, bought me fruits and etc....

Have you ever felt that when you have lost it, you may as well lose it all? For an instance, in a race, when you know you are losing, do you still run with all your might? I was a runner in school (well, those were the days where tv was still an idiot box instead of an idiot flat screen), and I always believe that a sportsman must have sportsmanship spirit; whether we are losing or winning, we still run with our best and complete the race. "Our best" here varies with different individuals. For some, they can still run rather fast. For others, they can only walk but that's their best, really. In the end of the day, yes, winning a trophy sounds good but, we must win within us too. Does it apply in our lives too? I read a statement today which I can relate to very well. Survey shows that happiness level decreases when we reach 21 and only increases after retirement age. As I grow older, I feel less happy. Boohoo! Of course I can quote for you that the bible says "seek...

Tonight I feel nostalgic. Probably because I have been meeting old friends for the past two days and looked at old photos. Life took a different turning, and many have changed. I just know that I wasn't the same person I used to be.. and it is a good and bad thing. When I was younger, I have my temper and mood. Along the way, through church ministries, cell groups and Christian literature shaped most of me now. God takes all the credit. My best friend and I used to be so fired up for Christ.. along the way, the fire slowly dies as the realistic part of life hits us.  I watched a YouTube clip (again!) by the jubilee project. They asked one question to 50 different people. The question is "what do you regret most in life?" I took a while to ponder on that. I am just 24 this year, and if in these 24 years I have one thing that I regret most in life, how is the rest of the years going to be like?  I do have regrets, maybe plenty of them. But I guess regrets are pai...

Yesterday I viewed a YouTube clip entitled "Women are thinkers" by Russell Peters. Well, I recommend it to you. As funny as he may sound, there is truth in it. We, women think all the time. For example, this morning I woke up thinking if he loves me or he loves me not. Then, a hint of sadness creeps in and needless to say, more thoughts too. Examples again, "I am not that important.. Oh well, if I were, he would have called or texted or whatever IT now brings." *tick* the button of digging all not so nice memories has been activated. Oops, boy you are doomed! And picture the defensive lady prepared for war with her armor. That's the truth, by the way. Now, my other side of the brain is telling me that there are better things to think about.. for example, how beautiful is God's creation, be thankful for a lovely Saturday morning.. And I know God wants to tell me that He loves me no matter what. Come to think about it, thank God, God is God and not like us. ...

as some of you may have heard, iPhone launched a new phone recently. my very cute mum called it s5. I have contributed to apple's sales last week. please don't ask me how long I waited. I was told that I am lucky that it didn't lasted overnight. oh well, perhaps.. but I now think that it was worth it. oh! if you were not up to the date, I am now landed on another greener land literally! I wake up looking at greenery and walk pass trees and flowers every morning. I am now in the lion city. I am entering my third month here (that's almost a quarter of a year!) too many thoughts.. do not know where to start. I shall write more with my new toy in future! Yay!

today marks the first time ever i watched a pair of dogs having intercourse. while i was looking at the dogs, stunned and amazed.. well i know it was a private affair, but i couldn't get my eyes off from what i was looking at. oh by the way, there were no emotions on the dogs' face. i was like, "are they enjoying what they are doing?"...and few thoughts came to my mind: 1) are the dogs making love? why is it called "make love" from the first place? is there "love" involved in this course of action? no. so, the dogs weren't making love. they were merely having sex. 2) how about humans? why is it called "make love"? is love being produced during this action? hmmm.. not too sure. can i conclude that children are made from this action, therefore children are "love"? 3) if my assumption in no. 2 is acceptable, can i say that couples who have intercourse but do not want a child are not making love.. but merely having sex? ...

Usually a month has a maximum of 31 days. This month felt longer than that. The sequence of events and the anxiety of waiting definitely prolong the 31 days. Right now, I'm in a confused stage. After I paid my contract and resigned from my workplace, while i was serving the two months notice, there were events that made me think twice about resigning. I question: is it God that is trying to tell me something? Or... Is it otherwise? I'm less worried about the finances or other factors... But am more troubled about whether i am walking in His ways. I understand God gives us free will.. But Lord, at this moment, can you take away this liberty of having free will and direct me to the paths which You have prepared for me? Just like Jacob who cheated Esau for his father's blessings.. I think I understand the importance of my Father's blessing and am almost that desperate to have His blessings... because it will change one's life. Dear God, please hear me. In my own mi...

Why do people get upset so easily? Why do I get upset? Especially towards people we claim we love. Then it makes me think, actually how much do I love them or vice versa when temper is what we show them most of the time. I don't feel loved when they throw their temper on me... I don't feel that important in their lives anymore. I believe they feel that too. I read one status the other day which goes "Your temper depends entirely on how much time you set aside to grow in God." So I guess I found the answer. Recently, I always have the impulse to leave this place. And turn over a new leaf in a new environment. Maybe I thought if I leave, then probably I will be appreciated more. Sigh, but again, I think that's a very immature way of thinking. It's called running away... I wish I have learnt the skill of verbalizing my feelings, then the other party would know how I feel (which is the best solution of it all). If it continues on like this, I know where it leads -...

i can't explain it... but it's really mind blowing to realize days passed so swiftly. just one week ago, i finished my set of night shift... looking forward to coming home and meeting my family. and i remember i didn't sleep much that day. after i was home, an hour later i was back in PJ area, at IKEA with mom and sis. today i am home, and my sister is married and staying with her new set of family members. it was last night where i was so stressed up, as if it was my wedding dinner. i was running here and there for sis and bro-in-law; trying to rectify things which went wrong. i was instantly "vomiting out" a speech for my sister coz i lost her paper. i had to go up the stage and bleh whatever i can to fill in some gap. it was yesterday the tea ceremony.. it was yesterday my sister coloured my finger nails for me. it was yesterday i saw my sister woke up in her pyjamas and gave her a massage before she begins her busy wedding day. it was two nights ago where sis ...

it's my favourite season of the year! okay, i know it's not that near.. but well, stop and think for a while. time flies isn't it? it was like yesterday i went through the orientation at working place, going to HR numerous times to collect documents and being yelled at for being slow at work. *stop thinking, open your eyes, look at the calender* it is mid of October already! in two months' time, i can include "one year experience" in my work resume. having said that, ten months just slipped away... just like that. i failed numerous times in certain areas of my life. for instant, i wanted to do so much but so little (or perhaps) nothing was done. my dreams were left as merely dreams. motivation decreasing, life disappointment increasing... :( i want to label myself as "pandai cakap, tak pandai buat". spiritually not heading forward either. friendship wise, i haven't been pursuing actively i suppose. i read a quote yesterday which goes like this ...

should have gone home. really... should have gone home :( it's too late. sigh... when i'm upset, i think of home. nowadays, home is somewhere i feel like running to by hook or by crook. but reality and life circumstances prevented me from being so emotional. i wanna go home.

i can't help it but be upset. i wish i don't feel this way too. sigh. i'm so tired of all these. :(