a woman after God's heart

There is a reason to how we behave now. Recently, maybe since beginning of this year, I get a bit annoyed when people start to ask if I am getting married. I even drafted a post for my birthday, subtly hinting everyone not to ask me that anymore. "When the time comes, it will be made known." In the midst of my house chores, I remember this particular behavior of mine. And an incident came to my mind. Few years back, maybe 4 years ago, Mr. A brought me to a hotel to dine. It was a 4 or 5 star hotel. It was a rare thing to do back then, and inside my female head which overthinking is common, I thought he was going to propose. Half way through the buffet dinner where the ambience was nice, we were happily chatting, Mr. A asked me if I thought he was going to propose because he brought me to such a "atas" place. With such question, I knew it was not going to happen on that day. I forgot how I responded to the question but I remember him asking me if I was disappoint...

So recently, I got quite a bit nostalgic. I started reading old emails and blog entries. I reminisced what I felt and thought when I was younger. The truth is, life moved on and I am where I am now. The ones who used to matter so much to me has become strangers now. It made me think, who's next? Who is next in the stranger list? Life has moved on. Everyone has moved on. One thing for sure is that writing does help me feel better. It still had the same effect as 10 years ago. That, did not change. This evening, I got the news that my project has been approved! When my boss told me the news, I, without filtering my thoughts, replied her almost immediately, "I don't know if I should be happy or not". After realizing what I have typed, I quickly added, "coz two weeks equals to one year bond...haha". The real thoughts at that point were, "will Mr A be disappointed with this news?" I was hesitant to tell him this news yet I knew I had to.. It woul...

Sometimes I think of money. It would be good to have lots of it and do a lot with it... but someday I cannot bring it with me to eternity. And chasing it will never have an ending. Sometimes I think of my work. I have wonderful colleagues, just like a second family... but one by one is leaving, someday it won't be the same anymore. They cannot be there forever. Sometimes I think of my patients. I try to give my best to them despite my human flaws, and my conscience is clear... but they come and go. The answer is clear. The only ones who will be with me through it all are my family, my better half and my heavenly Father God. What is money and career compared to them? But life is just so complicated sometimes. How much money is enough? How much promotion is good enough? When will I be satisfied with chasing all these? Then I think again, I rather live life simpler. Enough to pursue my dream, enough to keep a home warm, enough for a simple life. I just want to know my cal...

I used to think I am not a stupid person.. but today it has proved me wrong. Despite the numerous hiccups, I was so determined and ended up falling into a scam. I paid few hundred dollars for a painful and angry lesson.  Losing the money isn't the most painful part. It is the fact that I was so naive and dumb to believe the scam was the heart wrenching part. I don't need another person to tell how foolish I was.. For goodness' sake, after knowing it was a scam, of course I would know how to be more careful next time.. to call or confirm with the person first.. and bla bla bla. In fact all those thoughts crossed my mind.. but only one thing didn't cross my mind: an online scam. It really didn't help when the first person I told, my better half, advised me to be smarter next time.. and didn't call me. All I needed was a comforting voice or a shoulder to cry on (which is impossible for him to do that right now..). Talk about communication! SIGH!  But.. I am so touc...

I had the most awkward and surreal dream this morning. I dreamt that I was sexually harassed by a friend whom I haven't seen for a long time (he is not even a close friend). In the dream, I wanted to go to toilet and he was in the room. I sensed something amiss when he didn't leave the room when I entered the toilet.. and he was looking at me in the toilet (it was glass wall). I decided not to pee and came out. He then locked me in a room with him.. and I shouted help many times. I saw many people passed by from the window: my mom (the one I remember seeing) and few other people (I think my sister too) but they couldn't hear me. I remember what he did to me in the dream but we both weren't naked. Somehow, I managed to get out of the room and told my mom everything that happened. My mom was devastated and sad. Then we saw him in the house and he wanted to drive off. In the dream, I was persuaded by him to enter his car (I guess to talk or apologized) and I did. He then a...

It was a horrible day. And I was challenged with this gratitude project.. and out of all the upsetting events, I had to think of three things to be grateful for. Early morning I was like... is there anything to be grateful for?!!! I was freaking mad.. and was more disappointed when the person I wanted to talk to was busy and didn't bother. I wonder how special I am to him. I just needed 5-10 minutes of his time... 😔😔😔 I wonder when is my morning coming. The song says after all the hurting, the healing will come. And I am trying to be patient while waiting. I am slowly cracking, I don't know how long can I last.  Yes I am very desperately tonight. Dear God, I hope you hear me. 

As I prepared myself for an informal interview with a big boss and a intermediate boss, I realized that this is my third interview in this year! And I am proud to say that I have refined my interview skill from bad to better, and all glory belongs to my Father God. As I reflect upon myself, why the heck did I get into so many interviews.. I can say that I have grown to be more self driven and God is good, He has been providing. So it was a good experience today, just like the previous two interviews. It made me feel good. Big boss told me that she likes my attitude, and that I am self driven  and would be happy for me to join them. Thanks to my better half, his advice regarding first impression matters is always stuck in my head. Therefore I tried my best to dress appropriately and give good impression. Proven that it does work.  "D" question now is should I stay or should I go? Opportunities in terms of career progression are knocking at my door now... and I am driven to emb...

I always have random ideas on how my future new house should look like.. or from past experience of buying inappropriate utensils or tools and ended up not using them as often as I should be, and I told myself, "I must remember not to buy similar thing again in future!" Lo and behold, before I knew it, I make the same mistakes again! Therefore, I decided to document it down as a reminder to myself.. least, I forget again. 1) Do not buy very heavy and big woks/pan --- because I am small size! 2) Buy light and durable glass plates --- it is worth investing some money on good lasting goods, trust me! 3) Walls are not necessarily white. 4) Do not buy light iron 5) Buy three baskets to separate the recyclable items That's for now. Wait for episode two!

Recently I observed from Facebook that few of my friends are taking photos with guys who are not their respective boyfriend.. and with hashtag "love", "dearest".. Then I stalked them for a moment and noticed all the boyfriend pictures are gone. Hah, I get a lot of information via Facebook actually. So I calculated the length of the previous relationship they were in. One was since TARC time. One was since CON time. Actually pretty long already, at least 3 years. Then I wonder how do they get in and out of relationship so easily... Why is it not so for me. How on earth do they pick themselves up so quickly and move on.  For my case, I have been dragging mine.. without a concrete direction. There are days I am so gung-Ho about going back and get married, there are days that I think if it is worth it going back. I wish I have an answer or at least, cruel enough to make a mean decision. The way I look at it now, we are both living separate lives when we are separated by...

I reached Red Dot, my eyes also became red. Sigh. Cannot wait... really cannot wait to go back to be near to family and loved ones.  Counting down to that day I can go home again. 

Today my question is... How long will I be a nurse? Hmmm...

Today I experience the verse in Malachi that goes, "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it. (Malachi 3:10 NIV)" God never short change us... in this matter, ME. I know I don't deserve it. I am a sinner. I am of no good. But God gave His favour to me.  I am still in dreamland. I couldn't believe one of the highlights in this year which I was anticipating for has come and go. I was right when I knew deep in my heart I have the peace and know that all things will turn out alright. Through this, I experienced His favor. Thank you Jesus.

Praise Him in the morning! Praise Him in the noon time! Praise Him! Praise Him! Praise Him when the sun goes down! Thank you Father got a good interview experience! One of the long awaiting day has come and go. Praise Him! 

There are days my prayer would be, "Just bring me home." But Time is in His hands. Not that far from Bethlehem" Underneath the stars Just a simple man and wife somewhere in the dark his words cut the silent night Take my hand For the child That you carry is God's own And though it seems the road is long We're not that far from Bethlehem Where all our hope and joy began For in our arms we'll cherish him We're not that far from Bethlehem Let us Celebrate As the Christmases go by Learn to live our days with our hearts near to the child Ever drawn, ever close   To the only love that lasts And though two thousand years have past We're not that far from Bethlehem Where all our hope and joy began For when our hearts still cherish him We're not that far.... We're not that far from Bethlehem Where all our hope and joy began For when our hearts still cherish him We're not that far We're not that far from Bethlehem I know I am not that far. And H...

Recently been thinking about the destiny He has called me to.. But I am not even near to what I thought I would be doing. I dream of changing the world, making a difference and bla bla.. reaching the moon and bring down the stars... And I remember the first book Mr. A lent me after hearing all my aspirations: The butterfly flaps its wing in Brazil will cause a tornado in Florida, the butterfly effect. This book had a huge impact on me. I realized that the BIG people didn't start by dreaming BIG. They gave their best within their community, where they were placed faithfully. Thus, I must start from where I am now. Am I? Did I? It was 4 years ago I read the book. Ces't la vie. Such is life.

My favourite month is here! Well not because of presents or gifts, just feel happy and grateful to be alive. This morning, since it is the first day of the month, I was reminded of this verse "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV). Thank God for another year to experience His love :)

My affection towards shoes and watches are far greater than I have for clothes. Whoops! But I am contented with what I have right now.  Iamjustsaying.

Why does train rides seem to be longer these two days? Why am I upset with things that are unimportant?  Sigh. I want to go home.. I want to look forward to going home everyday.  I don't right now.

Doubt. She visits me every now and then. With her best friend called Memories. And Unforgiveness tag along. One question Doubt always asks me. "How sure are you?" And it silenced me. Then I hear an echo in my head. "How SURE are you?" Because of Doubt, I lost Trust.  Without Trust, Security left me. Without Security, I do not have Peace. I become Defensive And I do not own Love. And when that happens, Doubt visits the other person.

Each time I finish his book, I sigh and say a short prayer in my heart.  One more day. The memories of the ones you have lost keep them alive.  And secrets.. they tear you apart. And the purest love you can see is your mother. God, I pray I won't end up like Charlie who only lived after he faced death.